The Jefferson Iowa News®


  Make Jefferson Beautiful Committee Decides Against Attacking Carroll

By Tar Tarkus –

The “Make Jefferson Beautiful” committee invited me to their meeting at Wet Goods last Thursday night. The committee is comprised of Bob Fitzgerald, Laura Willburn, Jeff Hammerand, and Ken Schreck. We all met at Wet Goods at 7:30 PM and promptly ordered dinner and two pitchers of beer (complements of Ken Schreck). The food was excellent and the beer was cold.

Laura Willburn, committee chair, opened discussions by voicing her concerns over the somewhat disappointing results of the “Show your Pride” campaign last year. That was the committee’s attempt to attract people to the idea of keeping their yard properly mowed. Laura wanted a vote on deciding to end the campaign. The vote went as follows:
Laura – “End the campaign.”
Bob – “Agreed, end the campaign.”
Jeff – “I’m sorry, what were we voting on again? Okay, sure, I guess.”
Ken – “I vote to get another pitcher of Bud Light.”
The "Show your Pride" campaign is now cancelled.

Bob Fitzgerald then asked if the committee would be interested in having a booth at the next Bell Tower Festival. “Maybe near the beer tent, where everyone will be. We can hand out pamphlets on installing low flow toilets and installing CFL lights. You know, all that “green crap” people are wound up about these days.” Laura Willburn thought a booth near the bistro tent might be just the ticket to get out the committee’s ideas and maybe recruit new members. Jeff voiced concern over Ken buying yet another pitcher. He’s already halfway lit the way it is.” Bob put the booth idea up for a vote. The results were:
Bob – “Yes, let’s have a booth.”
Laura – “Make that two, let’s have a booth.”
Jeff – “Booth, with cellphones who uses phone booths anymore?”
Ken “I vote that Laura has a nice can.”
The booth idea was not passed.

Bob then opened up the floor for any and all discussions…”As we are all friends here there's no reason to hold to strict rules of order.” Ms Willburn offered, “I think it would be nice to invite people from other communities to share ideas. I have some friends from Carroll that are involved in some community projects, I’m sure they would love to meet with us some evening.” “That sounds great,” responded Bob. “I agree completely. What does everyone else think?” Per Jeff – “It can’t be on Wednesday night. That’s bowling night. We’re tied for third place. I can’t miss another night. The guys would have my nuts.” “Well, let’s vote anyway, just to see where we stand” injected Bob. The casual “vote” results:
Bob – “If Laura can arrange it, fine.”
Laura – “Yes – Let’s do it.”
Jeff – “No, not another meeting. Christ. I live in Rippey anyway. My damn wife put me on this committee.”
Ken – “I vote we stop sitting here like <expletive> pussies and do something about that <expletive> town of Carroll. I say we do like my great president George W and put together a <expletive> peace force and go <expletive> kick <expletive> Carroll’s <expletive> ass. I am <expletive> tired of Carroll and their <expletive> Swan Lake and <expletive> country club and their oh so <expletive> great Wal-<expletive>-mart. Let’s do it. Come on you <expletive> <expletive>s. And <expletive> Boone is next. <Expletive> Boone needs to be wiped off the <expletive> map, too. <Expletive> Boone, <expletive> Carroll, I <expletive> hate both of them. Come on, let’s vote.”
Bob, Laura, and Jeff voted to not form a “peacekeeping” force or to launch a first-strike attack against Carroll. Ken was the lone vote to “nuke Carroll back to the stone age.”

The committee agreed to meet next month, same time and place. I was invited to attend, so stay tuned!