Over
the years, our editors have received an astonishing number of letters
and e-mails from our loyal as well as not-so-loyal readers. We have
decided to share some of the more memorable ones with all of you. We'll
periodically update this link with new correspondence from readers, so
keep checking back. You can access this link by clicking on the
"Letters" photo near the top of our web page, or use the "Letters to the
Editors" link along the left-hand side. Enjoy.Dear Sirs,
This so-called "evaporated milk" is a complete con. I recently opened a can, and it was almost completely full. -J. D., Jefferson
Sirs:
You guys are killing me. -Jimmy Hoffa, whereabouts unknown
Editors:
If it's true what they say, "Once you pop, you can't stop", why are Pringles tubes resealable? -still outside the box
Dear editors,
Why do women tennis players make such a loud grunt every time they hit the ball? If the act of hitting a ball is so difficult for them, perhaps they should stick to more ladylike pastimes, such as knitting or dress making. -Greene County Courthouse
JIN editor(s):
Why slaughter and incinerate livestock with hoof-and-mouth disease when they can be redeployed to clear the world's minefields? -thinking outside the box
Sirs,
I am sick and tired of hearing wannabe TV and radio stars moaning about how difficult it is to break into the world of showbiz. You never hear proper stars like Michael Douglas or Jane Fonda complaining, do you? -annoyed
Editors,
You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family, they say. Baloney! I bought my wife from a Thai bride catalog and made her leave her kids in Bangkok. -Jefferson newlywed
Dear Sirs:
I understand that Dr. Harold Shipman received 15 life sentences for his wicked crimes. I think that is an outrage! Why should he be allowed to live 15 times longer than anybody else? -Upset
Dear Sirs:
People should not say horrible things about the terrorist Osama Bin Laden. They are simply bringing themselves down to his level. -Rushview Drive reader
Sirs:
When I make comments about women drivers, my girlfriend accuses me of being sexist. But when I punch her in the face, she starts ranting about it being wrong to hit a girl. The hypocrisy of it all dumbfounds me. -Greene County jail
Dear editors,
I am a flea circus owner and recently decided to groom my performers for a big show. I chose "Johnson's Dog Flea Shampoo", but far from cleaning my fleas' hair, it actually killed them. Let this serve as a warning to other flea keepers. -Rippey
Editors:
I used my card to pay for $32 of groceries at Fareway recently and the cashier asked me if I wanted any cash back. I requested $20 which she cheerfully gave me. So my shopping really only cost me $12. Who says the supermarkets are ripping us off? -Astute local shopper
Dear Sirs:
Owners of smoke alarms - where's your sense of adventure? -Jtown
To the editors:
Wives no longer feel any sense of duty to their husbands. When they take their marriage vows they promise to honor and obey you. But the moment you ask them to do a simple favor, like bring you a cake with a gun in it, they hand your letter to the prison authorities. -name withheld
Dear Sirs:
They say that carbon monoxide is the silent killer in the home. Not in my house it's not. It was my husband Fred. -Survivor
Gentlemen:
A notice on the back of a tube of Colgate toothpaste says "We do not make toothpaste for anyone else". Imagine my anger when my friend's tube of Colgate had exactly the same notice. -Exasperated
Sirs:
These so-called "disposable cameras" are such a farce. Now I have absolutely no record of a perfectly lovely holiday. -Disappointed
Dear Sirs:
What's wrong with having identity cards? Anyone who objects is obviously a pedophile, and should be chemically castrated. -Pat Robertson
Editors:
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Fareway's cheddar. -disgruntled shopper
JIN Editors,
What you don't know can't hurt you, so we're told. Well, last week I didn't know that a wasp had crawled into my slipper, and it hurt a great deal. Once again, the so-called experts get it wrong. -Grand Junction
Editors:
If a woman says no, she means no, but if she tells me she's over sixteen, then it's my call. Where's the justice? -Disillusioned reader
Gentlemen:
Christmas comes earlier and earlier every year. My next-door neighbors already have a tree growing in their front yard - and it's only March! It's absolutely ridiculous. -Bewildered
Dear Sirs:
The Popemobile has three-inch thick bullet-proof glass in its windows. There's faith for you. -Jefferson
Sirs:
I'm fed up with people moaning about our recent floods and complaining that the government isn't doing enough to help. My dad was caught in a flood and he didn't just sit on his fat ass waiting for help. He got out and built a great big boat and filled it with animals. Not bad for a 600-year-old. -Japheth, Mount Ararat
Dear Sirs:
I recently attended a bullfight while on vacation in Spain. I went with an open mind, but I can honestly say that I have never been so appalled and upset by an event in all my life. It cost $25 to get in, a can of Coke cost another $6, and I had to sit so far back that I couldn't see the cows getting stabbed. -Outraged
Editors:
No wonder there is so much voter apathy. Politicians ask us to vote with our feet, yet here in Scranton they place the ballot boxes high on a table. -Scranton reader
Jefferson Iowa News:
The other day I bought a copy of "Men Only" from the newsstand. Imagine my dismay when I got home to discover it was full of pictures of women - mostly naked, no less. -ripped off
Editors:
My mom used to say about my dad, "I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him". But then, we were a family of traveling acrobats -confused
Dear Sirs:
If you insist on living a "shop-till-you-drop" lifestyle, you will pay the price. I recently saw an elderly gentleman collapse at Fareway, and had no sympathy. -paramedic in Jefferson
Sirs:
If the army can't find Osama Bin Laden, they should stop looking, sit down and have a cup of coffee, and try to think where they saw him last. This always works when I can't find my car keys. -fan in Jeff
To the Editors:
If moths like the light so much, why don't they simply come out during the day, instead of flapping around outside the windows and crashing into car headlights all night? Besides which, during the day, bats would not eat them -recent reader
Gentlemen:
My 98-year-old grandmother is always reminding people that she is a great, great grandmother. I, for one, would have expected a little more modesty from a woman of her generation. -Scranton Reader
JIN Editors:
There's no pleasing my wife. She complains when I leave the toilet seat up, she complains when I leave it down and pee all over it. -name withheld
To the Editors:
They say that a dog is man's best friend. Horse hockey! My best friend is Ken Finch. -Insulted
Dear Sirs,
People say that I'm as honest as the day is long. Does this mean that in winter, as the days become shorter, I become proportionately less honest, and might therefore be tempted to start shoplifting, for example? -just wondering
Sirs:
Why do women keep telling me to go screw myself? If I could screw myself, I wouldn't be putting my hands up their skirts in the first place. -Confused
Dear Sirs:
As far as the debate goes over what kind of milk is the most economical, I would have to side with dog's milk. I put a quart of it in my fridge last week, and it seems to last a lot longer than cow's milk. Nobody would drink it. -Cooper
Gentlemen:
With the ever-increasing number of priests being accused of pedophilia, I find it quite refreshing that Father John Leslie stands only accused of raping mature women well over the age of consent. Hats off to him. -a reinvigorated Catholic in Carroll
To Whom it may Concern:
When will Fareway's produce department stop referring to "new potatoes"? They've been around for years now, so isn't it about time they just call them "potatoes"? -annoyed in Jefferson
Dear Sirs:
If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon? Maybe Obama and his cronies could give us a straight answer to that! -astute Iowan reader
Editors:
They say that laughter is the best medicine. My grandfather has got Parkinson's Disease and we've been laughing at him for months and he hasn't got any better. So much for that theory. -disillusioned
Sirs:
The rising price of gasoline doesn't affect me at all. I simply always put $10 in my car. -fan in Iowa
Jefferson Iowa News:
They say that Jennifer Lopez is sexy because she's got a big rear end. Well, if that's the case, there are lots of women here in Jefferson at least twice as sexy as her. -name withheld
Gentlemen:
Have you noticed the proliferation this summer of bumper stickers informing us that "Dogs Die in Hot Cars"? Thanks to this advice, I saved $45 in vet bills when I had to have my Alsatian put down when it got distemper. -no name
Dear Sirs:
If spare ribs are indeed spare, how come my local Chinese restaurant charges a fortune for them? -Bewildered
Dear JIN editors,
What a con these so-called "radio-controlled" taxi cabs are. I got in one the other day and there was a man inside driving it. -Fan in St. Louis
Dear Editors,
I recently heard some one say that hard living and fast women drove John Belushi to his grave. That is ridiculous. We did. -Wilson's Funeral Home
To the editors:
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The US mail loses around two million letters and parcels every year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. -Insulted in Ames
Gentlemen:
People rage about the price of gas these days. I remember the last gasoline shortage. I sat for over two hours in line at the local 7-11. I was furious, as I only wanted to buy a Mars bar and a paper. -Older and Wiser
Dear Sirs:
These new "gentlemen's clubs" are a complete con. I went into one the other night and it was full of women. To add insult to injury, most of them were practically naked. -dedicated reader in Iowa
Editors:
I had to laugh the other day when I heard a young boy talking to his mother at the zoo. -A. Hyena, the zoo
JIN Editors,
I am a good, dedicated doctor, and will soon be barred from practicing just for having sex with one of my patients. The American Veterinary Council are bastards. -name withheld
Dear Sirs,
I know this is supposed to be the year of the Tiger, but I'm still writing Dragon on all of my checks. -Xi Fung-Po, Beijing
To the Editors:
So a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down? Well, I'm an insulin-dependent diabetic, and after following this advice, I am now two months into a life-threatening hyperglycemic coma. Thank you very much, Mary f***ing Poppins. -Almost Dead
Dear Sirs:
I'm feeling like eating rabbit stew for dinner this evening. Can anyone tell me if it's cheaper from a butcher shop, or a pet store? -Please reply ASAP
To Whom it may Concern:
I had a dream last night that I had used the last piece of toilet paper. This morning, that very same scenario occurred for real. It's reassuring to know, that in these troubled times, dreams really can come true. -Reassured
JIN Editors:
I am not interested in the porn industry at all, and I'm wondering if Jefferson Iowa News is planning on having any documentaries not about the porn industry in the near future. -a reader
Sirs:
These so-called "speed bumps" are a joke. If anything, they slow you down. -Annoyed in Iowa
Dear Sirs:
Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call. -unsigned
Open letter to the editors:
I'm stuck at the top of the Mahanay Tower. The elevator seems to be broken, so there's no way down! Help!!! It's been almost three days. I'm so thirsty and hungry. If anyone reads this, please come save me! I'm on the top floor ... curled up in the corner ... at the top of the stairs. God have mercy on me! -I keep pushing the button, but nothing happens
Dear Sirs:
How can a small-town Chinese restaurant like Peony make enough profit to purchase a second restaurant and also buy one of the most expensive homes in Jefferson? I think a tax audit is in order.
-Suspicious
Sirs:
Over the last several years, I have been attempting to make amends and right the many wrongs I have inflicted upon people throughout my life. Karma requires this of me. Yesterday, I came across #194 - when I robbed the Jefferson Conoco at gunpoint. I just can't bring myself to apologize for that one, however. - my name is Earl
Dear Sirs:
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat-bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that Jefferson received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? -Curious Reader
Editors:
I'd just like to say what a bunch of bull these hygiene laws are. I have been a baker for nearly twelve years now, and not once have I washed my hands after taking a dump. So far, no one has complained.
-Annoyed
Sirs:
You guys don't have it so bad. I have to write editorials on topics absolutely no one gives a crap about and put up with two <deleted> <deleted> gay editors who think they are better than everyone else just because they have a <deleted> web site about some hick town no one has ever heard of. -Orville K. Bass
To the Editors:
I would like to file an official complaint about the low-rent neighbors who live in the house across the road from me. They smell bad, they don't take care of their yard, and are basically just too filthy to even look at. -Daisy, tag #112, lot #71, Burger Farms
Dear Sirs:
We read a lot in the newspapers about strategies to prevent another September 11 from happening, but upon checking my calendar today, I noticed that yet another one is planned for later this year. Will they never learn? -Perplexed
Gentlemen:
What a joke this new "foil-wrapped" bread is. It's supposed to last seven days. I ate mine in two. -Disgusted Reader
Sirs:
I have been elected to organize the bistro area at next year's Bell Tower Festival. What I want to know is, why do we have to call it a "bistro" for crying out loud? And why all those snooty "wine tasting" events? I mean, what's next - Bette Midler look-alike contests? Show tunes? Can't we get back to basics before we totally fag out? -Not Going There
To the Editors:
I'm sick and tired of all your stories branding all of us truckers serial killers. For your information, to be classified as a serial killer in the US, you have to have murdered three or more people. Having only murdered two people (both of whom were female), I feel I am owed an apology. -Upset in Iowa
Editors:
I was delighted when the kind people at the IRS wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was "outstanding". Particularly since I can't even remember sending it. -Avid Reader
JIN:
Last Sunday, while reading a new cookbook, I thought I'd try whipping up some French cuisine. Only then I remembered that unless I had all the interesting ingredients in my cupboard, there was absolutely no place in town to buy them, unless Casey's carried them - lol - How can anyone continue to live in a place where you can't even buy groceries when you want? -Bass Fan
Dear Sirs:
Has anyone lost a flat, orange cat and some flies in the parking lot at Pamida? I found them yesterday and wondered if there is a reward. -Just Wondering