The Jefferson Iowa News®


  Bin Laden Located Hiding Out Near Cooper

Several calls were recently placed to our news desk by concerned Greene County citizens who believe that they have solved the mystery as to the whereabouts of international terrorist Osama Bin Laden. As you are aware, the United States and its allies have spent billions of dollars and lost thousands of lives around the world searching for this fugitive.

Citizens of Greene County in the Cooper area have reported sightings of Bin Laden, and have actually been sending us photos. He appears much the way video clips portray him, with a beard and conservative attire. He may be altering his appearance slightly in an effort to blend in with the surrounding population.

We followed Bin Laden to his farm outside of Cooper, and our suspicions were immediately aroused. Even though he calls himself a farmer, there is absolutely no evidence of modern tractors, combines, or other farm implements around. When we confronted him, he seemed quite agitated, and insisted that his name was
"Ben Lawton". This is obviously a very transparent subterfuge.

Furthermore, we can find absolutely no bank records for this man. The DOT does not list him on any motorized vehicle registrations, and he appears on no local utility billing records. On top of that, he apparently has no visa, passport, driver's license, or even social security number. Quite odd.

We returned to "Ben Lawton's" farm, and demanded a full explanation for all of this. We reported to him at that time that we had already contacted the Department of Homeland Security, the CIA, and the FBI. Predictably, "Ben Lawton" had a ready excuse. He claimed that he was Amish.

Bin Laden has without a doubt spent a great deal of time developing this new identity, and it will not be an easy task to get a confession out of him. Locals are encouraged to keep a good eye on his activities. Try to notice if he faces east several times a day, for example.

Rick Bland, 09-26-2008