Jefferson
police have arrested local butcher Cecil Mischky on the suspicion that
he butchered and consumed his neighbor, Ted. Ted Olsen had gone missing
for the past six weeks, and an investigation into his disappearance
apparently led authorities directly to Mischky. An adamant Cecil was
quoted loudly defending himself while being ushered by force into the
LEC Monday."You can't pin the blame totally on me," claimed Mr. Mischky. "Some of the blame has to fall on Ted's shoulders. Come on, I mean seriously. We all noticed Ted walking around with his perfect skin, hair, and weight. Can anyone honestly say they never looked at Ted and didn't think 'That Ted would cook perfectly on an outdoor grill ... or maybe in a smoker' I can't believe anyone could step up and deny they ever thought that."
Jefferson Police Chief Jerry Branch was happy to clarify. "It was a terrible crime. In Cecil's defense, however, Ted did look like he would taste great on the grill ... even I'll admit that. So I would caution people not to judge Cecil too harshly. Certainly what he did was wrong - but maybe Ted does bear some responsibility. In the world of cannibalism, Ted was known as a 'roaster'. The kind of guy who just tempts people to commit crimes like this." When asked how much of Ted the authorities were able to recover, Branch replied, "Unfortunately, during our investigation, we accidentally mixed up all the meat in Cecil's butcher shop. So, you have Ted mixed in with the regular cuts of beef, pork, and poultry."
According to police, the only way to identify which meat is Ted and which is not is to try some. Branch stated, "I have had some of Cecil's beef and it is the best beef you'll ever taste in your life ... it's Ted." So, if you have recently had some of the very best beef you have ever tasted and purchased it locally ...
Deb Hoover, 10-14-2011