The Jefferson Iowa News®


  Stories of Jefferson's Halloween Season Summarized

2009 was again an eventful Halloween in and around the Jefferson area. Our field reporters were able to uncover several stories of human interest, not one of which was mentioned in the local newspapers. In addition to stories previously reported, the following news items also deserve at least an honorable mention:

1. Once again, problems with the undead were reported. Take the story of resident Bob Ferguson. He unfortunately died last week, but almost immediately became one of the undead. In fact, at his funeral, he kept getting out of his casket insisting that he was alive. I think if the Reverend Bartlett had not nailed Bob hard on the head with that shovel, I'm not sure the funeral could have continued.

2. Seven schoolteachers were proven to be werewolves. Actually, all seven received outstanding reviews for their teaching (six were high school teachers and one a grade school teacher). Night school, unfortunately, proved to be a disaster. Over thirty adult education students killed and seven injured. The injured, of course, had to be burned alive to prevent them from transforming into werewolves themselves.

3. 47 women to be tried as witches at the Greene County Courthouse. Quote from the judge, "There is no reason for the trial stage - we are going straight to the sentencing phase. After all, we need to be sure justice is served properly." Quote from a defendant (witch #28), "I don't know what this is all about. I was at Pamida shopping and all of a sudden the police came up and handcuffed me and my four-year-old daughter (witch #29)."

4. Local Catholic church once again published anti-Halloween leaflets for local distribution. In it, Jesus is described as a single adult male, who never once dated (girls, anyway). It also documented his taste for disco music and show tunes.

Another Halloween season draws to a close in Jefferson.

 Deb Hoover, 10-27-2009