The Jefferson Iowa News®


   Jefferson City Council Votes to End War

At last week's city council meeting, members voted unanimously to end both the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and devote the resources and manpower created toward an all-out offensive against Canada. This was not simply some vote of support for "peace" or the like. The council has sued the Iraqi government for peace, ending the war. Under the plan, all troops currently stationed in or around Iraq and Afghanistan would be redeployed to the new front - a frontal assault on our neighbor to the north.

One councilmember stated, "We need to invade Canada now - like we should have done back in 1970! It will be a cold day in hell when you see a Jeffersonian watching curling - death to Canada!" The reasons  and goals of the invasion were spelled out in the minutes of the meeting, and have been obtained by Jefferson Iowa News. The following factors were specifically enumerated in the resolution:

1. The need to liberate Canadians from the British monarchy. What's a European queen doing still ruling in the New World, anyway?

2. The need to liberate Canadians from Social oppression. They have socialized medicine, don't they? Let's free them to pay more for their medical insurance and allow them to be free to lose it or have it cancelled if they use it.

3. States! We have 50 of them now, but a lot of them are southern and pretty much a drag on the country. We could get 13 more states by adding Canada, and they'd all be northern ones!

4. Not only could we get 13 more states, we could use our governmental logic and turn them into 50 or 60 new states! We prefer small, expensive governments.

5. Global warming will open up a lot of land up there. Beach site condos in the Northwest Territories!

Minor skirmishes are planned against Bayard and Jamaica as a precursor to the major war in Canada. If these are successful, it is thought that Canada will fall quickly.

 Spencer Straight, 01-23-2010