The Jefferson Iowa News®


  Interview With Monte Larsen, Vampire Hunter, Part Two

We recently published excerpts from an interview conducted between Rick Bland and local vampire hunter Monte Larsen. Because of popular demand, we are now introducing the bulk of this interview here. This season has seen an unusually large number of vampires in the Spring Lake area, even by local standards. The park is being virtually overrun. This is the worst activity reported since 1981, when large numbers of dead and missing tourists forced the closing of the park for over seven years.

RB - What, in your opinion, is the reason for such a large number of vampires this season?
ML - This could all end for good, except that the Jefferson High School was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground. These souls need to be appeased. Of course, this is not my responsibility. I merely kill things.

RB - You could correct this problem once and for all?
ML - Hey, I'm a vampire hunter, not a witch doctor, dammit.

RB - How many kills have you recorded this year?
ML - Either eight or nine, I think. I'm pretty sure that I will make it to a baker's dozen, though.

RB - How can you be sure?
ML - I will be checking out the nursing home Friday night - that will be easy hunting.

RB - How do you shoot elderly, defenseless people?
ML - You just don't lead them as far.

RB - Tell us about this season.
ML - Look, I get $30 per kill. It doesn't matter if it's a vampire or Todd Van Horn. I have had pretty good success, with the exception of Tim Kious, whom I've shot five or six times. But he's wiry and hard to kill. Anyway, I'll guarantee he won't make it through a metal detector.

RB - So even after 5 or 6 times, you are still thinking he's a vampire?
ML - I don't know. But it does seem like he's been really rude to me lately.

Rick Bland, contributor since 2007

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