In a behind-the-scenes action, the Jefferson city council purchased and installed a new, high-tech filtering system in the Jefferson municipal pool.


This decision went previously unreported by the local newspapers, but has recently come to light after an exhaustive, extensive investigation by our staff.


Most ordinary bacteria are easily filtered out of water and the old system handled that task sufficiently. However, due to the recent spate of unusual microbes from possible alien landings, bird flu, mad cow disease, and lyme disease, as well as possible contaminants brought in by illegal aliens and NASCAR fans, this new, high-powered system guarantees clean health and pure water for the next generation of pool users.


Local park officials claim that now the occurrence of chunks over 6” in length or 0.6 pounds in weight will be virtually eliminated. Although the familiar blue tint will be lost, it will be replaced by an equally aesthetic grey, brackish color.


In tandem with the new filters, park employees will periodically be dropping small tablets in the water to eradicate any immediate infestations that may occur. They will take the shape of small brown footballs and can safely be ignored, as they will slowly disintegrate and gradually assume the color of the rest of the pool.


In trial tests, city officials have been quite pleased with the results. They state that these new standards far and away exceed the standards that were previously in place at the pool.