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Our Science Editor Discusses the Rapture
We
recently met with our science editor, Vince Hawking (an actual cousin of
Stephen Hawking), and were able to speak with him at length about the
publicity surrounding the upcoming date of May 21, and the fact that
millions of people are proclaiming it to be the date the earth will end
and the "rapture" will begin. Mr. Hawking took time out of his busy
schedule, as he has recently been invited to speak at Liberty College,
as guest commencement speaker on May 29. What follows are excerpts
from our conversation.
Rick - What remarks have you prepared for this
commencement address?
Hawking - I have not prepared anything,
Rick, as none will be needed. The world will end on May 21.
Rick - So you believe that this date truly
marks the end of times?
Hawking - Haven't you read the billboards?
Rick - I'm sorry, but it just seems a
little wild-eyed to most of us.
Hawking - That is why most of us will be
doomed to eternal torment in hell, Rick.
Rick - What exactly brought you to this
conclusion?
Hawking - Read your Bible, Rick. The signs
are everywhere. Tornadoes in Alabama, earthquakes in Spain, gays getting
married and adopting babies and turning them gay, churches welcoming
gays and appointing women to the clergy, Obamacare, Rick Santorum's name
being used to define a type of fecal discharge resulting from sodomy,
and the whole misguided doctrine of many Christians to "love thy
brother" which strikes me as a bit gay and communist.
Rick - But haven't there always been signs?
Weren't the bubonic plague, the eruption of Krakatoa, the holocaust, the
sacking of Rome, or the Little Ice Age considered worthy of being signs?
Hawking - No.
Rick - Hasn't this been predicted
incorrectly before, by the same guy?
Hawking - He hadn't completed his research
back then. Plus, he didn't have Google Translator. He didn't speak Jew,
so he might have got some of the words wrong. This time we know that
God's ultimate love will decimate his horrible creation right on
schedule.
Rick - And exactly what will take place on
May 21, Vince?
Hawking - All the dead bodies will rise
from their graves and ascend directly into heaven. Those who have not
adopted God's word as his own will be flung back to the earth and their
torment will begin.
Rick - So we have billions of corpses going
up in the air, and billions of corpses falling back to earth?
Hawking - That is correct.
Rick - Why are these bodies going up in the
air, anyway?
Hawking - That is where heaven is, Rick.
The Bible clearly states that heaven is above the plane of the earth.
Rick - But doesn't the Bible also state
that the earth is flat, and the sun moves around it?
Hawking - Yes.
Rick - What about the people who have been
cremated or destroyed for one reason or another?
Hawking - Those who have defiled their
God-given bodies would not be admitted into heaven, at any rate, Rick.
Rick - I don't know. I have a problem with
people saying heaven is up in the sky - you would have thought we would
have found it by now.
Hawking - Do not be taken in by modern
science trickery. If we had really been in space we would have seen
heaven. According to my calculations, heaven is just a little bit past
the moon.
Rick - What do you suggest we do to prepare
ourselves for this cataclysm?
Hawking - Rick, there is nothing you can
do. You have chosen to live a life of debauchery, adultery, and
wickedness. Fueled by drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling, and doing God
knows what with the other gay editors here have left God with little
choice but to cast you out into eternal suffering and damnation. Your
best bet is now to donate all your earthly wealth to the church.
Rick - We will be following this story
closely, Vince.
Hawking - Have fun burning in hell, along
with your heathen friends, Rick.
Rick Bland, contributor since 2007
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