The Jefferson Iowa News®

 

  Our Science Editor Discusses the Rapture

We recently met with our science editor, Vince Hawking (an actual cousin of Stephen Hawking), and were able to speak with him at length about the publicity surrounding the upcoming date of May 21, and the fact that millions of people are proclaiming it to be the date the earth will end and the "rapture" will begin. Mr. Hawking took time out of his busy schedule, as he has recently been invited to speak at Liberty College, as guest commencement speaker on May 29. What follows are excerpts from our conversation.

Rick -  What remarks have you prepared for this commencement address?
Hawking - I have not prepared anything, Rick, as none will be needed. The world will end on May 21.

Rick - So you believe that this date truly marks the end of times?
Hawking - Haven't you read the billboards?

Rick - I'm sorry, but it just seems a little wild-eyed to most of us.
Hawking - That is why most of us will be doomed to eternal torment in hell, Rick.

Rick - What exactly brought you to this conclusion?
Hawking - Read your Bible, Rick. The signs are everywhere. Tornadoes in Alabama, earthquakes in Spain, gays getting married and adopting babies and turning them gay, churches welcoming gays and appointing women to the clergy, Obamacare, Rick Santorum's name being used to define a type of fecal discharge resulting from sodomy, and the whole misguided doctrine of many Christians to "love thy brother" which strikes me as a bit gay and communist.

Rick - But haven't there always been signs? Weren't the bubonic plague, the eruption of Krakatoa, the holocaust, the sacking of Rome, or the Little Ice Age considered worthy of being signs?
Hawking - No.

Rick - Hasn't this been predicted incorrectly before, by the same guy?
Hawking - He hadn't completed his research back then. Plus, he didn't have Google Translator. He didn't speak Jew, so he might have got some of the words wrong. This time we know that God's ultimate love will decimate his horrible creation right on schedule.

Rick - And exactly what will take place on May 21, Vince?
Hawking - All the dead bodies will rise from their graves and ascend directly into heaven. Those who have not adopted God's word as his own will be flung back to the earth and their torment will begin.

Rick - So we have billions of corpses going up in the air, and billions of corpses falling back to earth?
Hawking - That is correct.

Rick - Why are these bodies going up in the air, anyway?
Hawking - That is where heaven is, Rick. The Bible clearly states that heaven is above the plane of the earth.

Rick - But doesn't the Bible also state that the earth is flat, and the sun moves around it?
Hawking - Yes.

Rick - What about the people who have been cremated or destroyed for one reason or another?
Hawking - Those who have defiled their God-given bodies would not be admitted into heaven, at any rate, Rick.

Rick - I don't know. I have a problem with people saying heaven is up in the sky - you would have thought we would have found it by now.
Hawking - Do not be taken in by modern science trickery. If we had really been in space we would have seen heaven. According to my calculations, heaven is just a little bit past the moon.

Rick - What do you suggest we do to prepare ourselves for this cataclysm?
Hawking - Rick, there is nothing you can do. You have chosen to live a life of debauchery, adultery, and wickedness. Fueled by drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling, and doing God knows what with the other gay editors here have left God with little choice but to cast you out into eternal suffering and damnation. Your best bet is now to donate all your earthly wealth to the church.

Rick - We will be following this story closely, Vince.
Hawking - Have fun burning in hell, along with your heathen friends, Rick.

 

Rick Bland, contributor since 2007


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