The Jefferson Iowa News®


  Santa's Deliveries To Be Scaled Back This Year

Due to a completely unexpected and bizarre twist of events, the North Pole has announced that deliveries normally made by Santa on Christmas Eve will unfortunately be scaled back this year. Santa had been making these deliveries himself, year after year, without fail, aided only by his trusted and experienced group of reindeer. Years of practice had insured that all good girls and boys worldwide received gifts in a prompt manner.

In a news release issued earlier today, however, it was reported that Santa was the victim of mistaken identity and was gunned down by a man apparently hunting polar bears in the vicinity of the north pole. Local hunter and trapper Canute Olaffsen shot Mr. Claus by mistake, during an extreme case of snow blindness, when he heard rustling and saw movement which he mistook for game. To make matters worse, he was able to bag all eight reindeer as well. Cupid briefly survived, until Canute put a bullet through the back of his head which he stated was a "mercy killing".

The photo at left shows Canute posing over his trophy, and begs the question, "does he really think that thing under his foot is a polar bear?" Mounted police are on their way to conduct a complete investigation, but won't arrive until next week, as they are traveling via dog sled. Santa's press correspondent, Tiny Binkwinkle, was immediately quizzed over the status of this year's Christmas gift distributions.

"Unfortunately, these people are irreplaceable as far as getting all the gifts out." He went on to say that this year's gift distribution would out of necessity follow a truncated plan, and a few isolated sparsely populated areas worldwide would have to be bypassed. A list of places which will have to be skipped was made available to the press later in the day.

This story takes on added importance to the Greene County area when the list is carefully examined. It seems that a few minor locations within the Greene County area are included in the list of spots to be bypassed. These areas include, but are not limited to, Paton, Churdan, Dana, Cooper, Rippey, Scranton, Grand Junction, Jefferson, and rural areas within the immediate vicinity of these towns. All other Greene County areas will receive their gifts as usual.

You can still write to Santa Claus at the North Pole, as Mrs. Claus and the elves will continue the practice of answering his mail.

Editor's Note  - We have received additional information that appears to cast doubt on the authenticity of this story. Our editors have recently spoken with Santa Claus, and he assures us that he and his reindeer are just fine. While Rick Bland is normally a very good reporter, and verifies his sources, it should be noted that he does have a tendency to drink quite heavily, even early in the morning. (12-15-08)

 Rick Bland, 12-09-2008