The Jefferson Iowa News®


  Jefferson To Proceed With Uranium Enrichment Program

The Jefferson city council last Wednesday voted to follow Iran's lead and start its own project to enrich uranium. "This should allow Jefferson to push forward into the nuclear age," stated one councilman. "Soon, oppressive countries like Great Britain and the United States will have to respect Jefferson. We will no longer allow ourselves to be bullied." It was brought out at the meeting that officials from Jefferson have been attempting to purchase weapons-grade uranium from Nigeria for the past several years, apparently unsuccessfully.

A spokesman at the United Nations was quoted as saying he had hoped that after Amy "Ahmadinejan" Milligan stepped down from her position late last year, the UN would no longer need to pursue sanctions (against Jefferson). Here are excerpts from what other sources are saying on the subject:

Glen Beck: "... I am sure if you asked our founding fathers what they would do ... they would say we should arm all nuclear warheads and aim them at Jefferson."

Pat Robertson: "I had a vision that Jefferson had a nuclear program in the near future. That's enough evidence for me to turn Jefferson into a parking lot. A nuclear-hard-baked parking lot, that is. Oh, and now there is a woman in Tulsa who has a blood clot in her big toe. The doctors have not discovered it. It is causing her no discomfort, so even she is unaware of it. God just cured her. There is no blood clot in her big toe now. God certainly is awesome today."

Fox News: "Jefferson is full of God-fearing, conservative Republicans. It's a shame they probably won't be around this time next year ... or Easter for that matter."

MSNBC: "I say we give Jefferson to the count of three ... then fire the missiles at two. They need to die."

Public Radio: "What a bunch of #@*&#!! Hit the red button already."

In other business at last Wednesday's meeting, the renaming of the high school baseball field contest results were announced. The winning entry, submitted by Merrill Boonsma, is "1090 S. Chestnut Street".


Spencer Straight, contributor