The Jefferson Iowa News®



Recent Bigfoot sightings are on the decline, at least nationally. Fortunately in Jefferson, Bigfoot seems to have found a haven where he can lead a somewhat normal life, unnoticed by the paparazzi. Imagine how difficult it must be, to attempt to disguise yourself, when your "normal" appearance is that of Bigfoot.

He has maintained such a low profile that, recently, some publications have suggested that he is part of an endangered species. We here at have unearthed the truth behind these rumors. It seems that Bigfoot has been forced into hiding due to a spate of unwanted publicity created in large part by recent stories filed on this web site.

Our editors, as always, attempt to protect the privacy of Jefferson's more-famous characters, and although we seem to have lost all control over our staff of reporters, it is easy to see that Bigfoot has been unnecessarily persecuted. He does have a few very close friends in the Jefferson area, however. They insist on remaining anonymous, but are able to offer us some insight on Bigfoot's insistence on keeping a low profile. He apparently is quite upset over his recent estrangement from his long-time partner, and the fact that several movie deals he entered into have fallen through.

Bigfoot feels that he is completely misunderstood by the local community. He has been unable to find suitable employment in the Greene County area. In fact, he blames this on our reporters constantly harassing him for photo ops. Friends close to Bigfoot say that this has forced him to sell his house on Hillcrest Place, and subsist in caves in the timber surrounding Jefferson.

He has been turned down repeatedly for loans at the Home State Bank, and has been forced to forage for sustenance in the area near Danger Hill, west of town.

His sightings have become so rare, in fact, that some scientific journals have actually declared him to be an endangered species. The Jefferson high school has recently implied they may take all references of him out of their curriculum.

This web site would like to appeal to the city's sense of fairness, and allow Bigfoot to apply for subsidized housing within the district. Bigfoot signs have been erected at locations near Danger Hill in an attempt to lure him out of his self-imposed exile.

In an unrelated note, the golf cart reported missing at Lakeside has apparently turned up in a local attorney's garage. More on this when details become available.