The Jefferson Iowa News®


  Wind Turbines Near Jefferson Tearing County Apart!

Due to a transformer malfunction, the wind turbines constructed north of Jefferson have literally begun ripping Greene County apart! Jefferson Iowa News has learned that the power substation associated with the turbines in question suffered from a transformer collapse last Friday, when station supervisor Cecil Nedsworth noticed an unusual power surge. Thinking a fuse was blown, he inserted a copper penny which only caused the power to increase. The current speed of the turbine blades has been estimated at approximately 450 mph. A speed of this magnitude is much too fast and the units have begun sucking the land upward including most of Greene County.

It is apparently no easy matter shutting them down, either. The mechanism normally used for that procedure was broken off last November, and a replacement has not yet arrived. As it now stands, Greene County is expected to be gradually sucked in a northeasterly direction following the current local weather patterns. These super-powerful wind turbines will tear Greene County up from the ground and, due to the abnormally high April winds being forecast, will plow through eastern Iowa and Wisconsin like a high-speed out-of-control glacier. Obstacles in its path will naturally be drug along, and many farmsteads and cities may find themselves displaced.

We reached our science editor, Vince Hawking, at the Jefferson Creation Evidence Museum and asked him what we should expect. He recommended just staying put and riding it out. "By the middle of the summer I am projecting Greene County to cross over into Canada." he stated. "At that point, as far as my research indicates, we will qualify for the Canadian healthcare program. Wellmark can kiss my science editor ass!"

Greene County will probably be slowed down some as it drags Green Bay behind it. However, it is not estimated that it will come to a complete stop until it slams into Ottawa. The friction with the buildings, houses, cars, and people in Ottawa should be enough to bring Greene County to a temporary halt - long enough to construct some super wind turbines pointing in the opposite direction, which will then stabilize the grinding land mass. Until then - be prepared. Within two weeks, all of Greene County will be on the move.

Local authorities are also recommending that citizens merely hold on for the ride. "What can you do?" asked one resident. "We were only given ten days to react." The photo above shows the beginnings of a crack in Greene County's land mass just south of the Cooper corner on highway 4. It was opening wider even as our photographer snapped the shot. Residents north of the crack should prepare to change zip codes.

One Jefferson school administrator pondered the end result. "Remind your readers that it will take a few years for Jefferson-Scranton's hockey team to be able to compete with other conference schools. After all, teams like Thunder Bay have a deep hockey tradition. We need to support the team through this initial building phase - no matter their win/loss record."

Spencer Straight, 04-07-2010