The Jefferson Iowa News®



I'm madder than Barney Frank at a strip club because I have to listen to all these semi-literate imbeciles frantic about their retirement funds being depleted by the stock market's tumble! What's the matter? Were you thinking about cashing it in? Of course not! I suppose when you opened up your 401K you expected the market would always go up and never down!

Let me explain some things to you. The market goes up and down! Retirement funds should be invested for the long haul. It makes absolutely no difference what the market does this year - next year it will do something else! And by the way, if your employer is matching your contributions, you are still making money, anyway!

I actually know a few dopes who have pulled their funds out of the market! Good plan! Buy high - sell low! Maybe that will catch on! Waiting it out is without a doubt your best opportunity to get your "losses" back. Here's an idea - quit watching your 401K every day! Check on it quarterly.

If you pull your money out now, it may cause you to lack the funds to do what you want someday - like send your kids to college. That's right! You guys who pull your money out of the market are causing an entire generation of young Americans to go without an education! I just can't sit here and watch greedy people treating our kids that way!

If you don't like investing in the market, invest in something patriotic! Government-issued bonds are nice. Kind of like putting your money in your mattress. Or maybe you prefer gold or precious metals. Buy your wife some gold earrings! She'll only keep them in the divorce when she realizes what a dope she married!

The stock market has bottomed out! Do like me and start buying stocks! Now is when they will go up! And I don't necessarily mean tomorrow! Give your investments time to develop! And if you have a 401K, ride it out - you'll be glad you did!

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Orville K. Bass, American

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