The Jefferson Iowa News®



I'm madder than a pilgrim stoning a witch! Once again, these moron editors have told me I have to wrote a Thanksgiving editorial! What am I thankful for? That I only have to do this once, I guess! I mean really - Thanksgiving is about the lamest holiday ever invented! It started when a bunch of Indians gave the pilgrims food so they wouldn't starve to death. That was shortly before we kicked them off their land and sold them hard liquor! I'd like to celebrate this year by doing exactly that to my in-laws!

So what will we do this year? Hmmm. Let's eat way more than we should, turn on the TV, and fall asleep! That's a great idea! Never tried that before. We can hang out with our racist grandparents while the women do the dishes. And what will we have to eat? Hmmm. Let's try something totally different this year. How about turkey and stuffing? Then add potatoes, yams, and that awful red cranberry sauce that comes out of a can. After you get it out of the can, it still holds the shape of the can! Even the ridge lines!

Then we'll put all the kids and overflow adults that no one likes at a card table in the other room! They'll have a great time! Oh, and by the way, don't even try to check your emails on Thanksgiving. Some old fart is bound to say, "Can't you stay off that thing for just one day?" The internet dies on Thanksgiving. Instead, you can sit around and get drunk with your Uncle Ernie and watch a really bad football game!

I personally wouldn't drive ten minutes for entertainment like that. And no way do we do this at my house! At least it's a day off work. Of course with the economy being what it is, most of your family is probably unemployed anyway! Thanksgiving serves as a reminder of why you don't hang out with your relatives the rest of the year!

There - my Thanksgiving sentiments. If you have any more questions about this pathetic holiday, direct them to the editors or take the quiz below!

Link - Take this quiz - it beats watching the Lions lose again!

here to visit the entire Bass Archives

Orville K. Bass, American

Leave a comment:
Agree/Disagree? I couldn't have said it better!
You don't know what you're talking about.
Email Address: