The Jefferson Iowa News®


  Jefferson Area Trampled By Mutant Cows

Jefferson Iowa News reporters rushed to Greene County last week after hearing incredible reports of gigantic, mutant cows rampaging throughout the town. As difficult as this was to believe, our photographers were on hand to capture it (photo at left). Three of our staff members, along with their photographic equipment, were lost in a gallant effort to bring you this update. Not since the discovery of mako sharks at nearby Goose Lake - click here for story - has there been an infestation so profound in the Greene County area.

Locals are blaming the Lawtton cattle farms south of town for this catastrophe. It seems they have been shooting up their cattle with antibiotics and vitamins for many years now, or as we like to call it, "messing with God's creations". This has finally resulted in the long-predicted destruction we forecast many years ago. Giant cows are now ravaging the countryside. The overall scope of the damage is far too great to begin to describe here. Let me just tell you that the Jefferson little league field is now just one giant hoofprint.

Many houses and scores of vehicles around town are now completely encapsulated in cattle excrement. Three picnics were rudely aborted last weekend at area parks when gully-washers of bovine urine caused confused park-goers to rush for the shelter houses. A train was derailed just east of town due to the tracks being severely damaged by their gargantuan hooves. At least 20 head of cattle are believed to be involved, and no estimates are yet available regarding the amount of damage caused or the estimated time of clean-up required in order to return this community to normal.

As this goes to press, the giant cow invasion is being fought by special teams from the Iowa National Guard, United States Air Force, and the Jefferson-Scranton FFA. Conventional weapons seem to be effective, although care must be used, as you don't know in what direction they will fall. Curious out-of-towners are advised to "steer" clear of the area for the time being. All locals are being told that they should stay completely away from these beasts, as an incident was reported in which a gang of juveniles apparently thought it would be amusing to try to "tip" over one of the cows while it dozed, only causing three deaths and several injuries.

Deb Hoover, 10-11-2009