The Jefferson Iowa News®



What in the hell is the source of otherwise sane peoples' fascination with dogs as pets?? I had friends over the other night who actually believe that their dog knows what they are saying!!
And I don't mean "sit", or 'insert name' fetch". If they were talking about the dog, they adopted hushed tones and faced the other way!

What is wrong with these people? They come and stay at your house and act like you should automatically accept their dog, too, as a part of the family! What if they had a child they brought with them who occasionally pooped on the rug?

Dogs are probably OK, if you are totally desperate for companionship. People continually tell me I need a dog. I'm gone several days at a time, for cripes' sake! They say that I can buy things to put on my carpet so that when I get home I can simply collect all the accumulated dog crap and dispose of it! Look, to stay at my house you need to find the toilet at least as often as I do (over 80%)!

I can easily find a friend or acquaintance to hang out here free of charge! She might even do the dishes or mow the yard! Dogs are not only irresponsible and unproductive, they are totally UNHEALTHY!

Dog lovers say things like "Dog's mouths have nowhere near as many germs as peoples' mouths."
They say dogs' saliva is way cleaner than humans! Are you kidding me?!? Think about what dogs put in their mouths! They lick their privates. They raid garbage cans. They greet each other by checking out their rear ends! They drink out of the toilet (well, that's probably OK).

Like it or not, dogs are FILTHY! How often do you bathe your dog? I'm coming over to your house for a while, and I am going to bathe exactly that often!

Pets are OK, if you're willing to take care of them and assume total responsibility for them. Let's not, though, impose human attributes where they don't exist!

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Orville K. Bass, American

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